Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Warning: a whine fest is coming up.
Come on - come all!
She's up. She's down. She's all over the place.
She is the human emotional pretzel.
I am at a significant crossroads.
Decisions have to be made.
Changes have to be made.
I know this is for the best - but I am struggling with emotions and grief.
I have done great at getting control of my emotions - but this last week I have felt it all starting to slip a bit.
OK - more than a bit -
I know I am strong.
I know I can do this.
I know I will be so much better off in the end.
But . . .
One of the consequences of my divorce is the fact that I can no longer remain in my home.
It is a good thing.
My home is full of issues that need attention including gutters that need to be replaced, molding that is not completed, floors that need to be replaced, walls that need to be painted, a back yard that is so overgrown a person could get lost in it, a front yard that is unfinished -
Most of these projects are reminders of all that was really wrong in my marriage.
We could talk big about things - we could start them -
but the follow through and finishing of said things rarely happened.
Much like the marriage itself -
we talked about forever -
but the follow through didn't happen.
Once the decision was undeniable that the marriage was over, I contacted a realtor to list my house.
The value of my neighborhood has dramatically fallen over the last few years.
The only option was a short sale.
That, in and of itself, was difficult enough.
But I proceeded.
And I expected that things would be finalized and I would be moving around the first of the year.
A week ago I received a phone call that things are moving faster than expected
and I now realize I need to be out of my home before Thanksgiving.
I went looking for a place this weekend.
I found one - it will be great.
But there will be changes and things to adapt to.
I will be in a "complex" in a lovely town home that has everything I want and need -
but it is in a complex.
I have never lived in a complex where I had to fight for parking or share walls.
I am not sure if I will be able to keep my dog.
I am leaving my home.
With all of the bad - this is the place where I have raised my children.
It is the place of birthday parties, holiday celebrations, family dinners, evenings spent around the outdoor fire, movie nights, making music together, laughter, tears . . .Family.
A move will allow me the chance to start over.
But I am saddened at the cost.
My family is forever changed.
And although I feel my wings sprouting and I know that I will be brighter and happier -
I mourn for the loss.
This move will symbolize the final point of "the end".
There is no going back.
And although I do not want to go back . . .
well, I'm sure you understand.
I have so appreciated this blog and the support I have felt through it.
The strength I have gained from putting this all out there.
And although most days,
I feel strong - today, that is not the case.