Crossing the Wide Ocean

 

If you know me at all,

it is no secret that I love the ocean.

I love going to the beach.

I love the sand.

I love to look for treasures that have been washed on shore.

I love the sound of the waves and the sea birds.

I love to watch my dog as he explores the new scents and dodges the water.

I love everything about the beach.

 

Except for one thing...

Exactly one year ago I was at "my" beach.

And the beginning of the end happened.

Without belaboring the details,

the bottom line is -

it became evident that my marriage was over.

The official words were spoken a week later by my ex husband.

 

But while I was at the beach, exactly one year ago -

the realization hit.

I have not returned to this section of coastline since.

I have not spent the night.

I have not reveled in the sound and smells of the ocean.

My sanctuary had been robbed from me.

 

I have been to other beaches -

but not "my" beach.

"My" beach had been taken from me.

It was tainted...poisoned...

It was damaged.

 

My annual Memorial Day Art Sale is at "my" beach this weekend.

I have struggled with an internal battle as whether I should participate or not.

Fear has settled in.

Fear of facing the emotinal demons.

Fear of slipping backwards.

The fear has slipped in and poisoned my self-confidence in this sale and in other aspects of my life.
Not ok.
 

I made a comment to a wonderful friend -

"this is the anniversary of my life falling apart"...

If that is the case - why would I return to the scene of the crime?

 

And he responded back by saying -

"this is the anniversary of you reclaiming your life and becoming reacquainted with yourself."

 

Oh.

Wow.

Yeah.

That is true.

Glass half empty - half full.

 

But this is more than just having a postive outlook.

There is deep truth in that -

This does not have to be a weekend of sadness and regret.

It can - and will- be a weekend of celebration.

Beware all of you coast weekend warriors -

I am headed that direction this weekend.

I will be reclaiming my beach.

I will be taking back my sanctuary.

I will be engaging in some symbolic gestures to mark this milestone.

There may be tears.

They may even be tears of sadness - but there will be more tears of celebration and power and gratitude and humility.

 

It has been a wonderful year.

It has been full of firsts.

A few key things have included:

reacquainting myself with forgotten friends, strengthening long-term bonds, reintroducing music back into my life in the form of concerts, piano, singing, choir, ukulele and just good ole' listening, dance, travel, theater, spontaniety, joy, laughter, guilt-free dinners of cereal, the ability to dream without limits and most importantly....LOVE.

Love for others. Love for myself.

I have discovered what love is over the last year.

And I have discovered what love is not.

And most importantly....I have learned the difference.

 

So yes - I will be at the beach this weekend.

My beach.

And if I am lucky enough to be at the beach - I am lucky enough!

And maybe if I am really lucky...I will sell some art.