I Am....

I came across this quote by CS Lewis the other night.

It YELLED at me...

And I created the drawing above.

Then when I was saving the photo, I noticed I had another photo saved with a similar name.

Obviously I love this quote because I did another drawing with it very recently - back in January.

Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson here?

 

 

So it got me thinking...

What do I believe I am?

I remember sitting in a workshop many years ago.

We were supposed to find a partner and introduce ourselves.

We were then instructed to write down who we were.

We took our pens and began scribbling quickly.

We created our personal resumes on our paper.

We then shared our answers...

Wife, Mother, Sister, doctor, lawyer, assistant, teacher, student, volunteer, etc., etc., etc...

 

The teacher thanked us all and told us that not one of us had answered his question.

We all looked around in confusion.

We had long lists stating who we were.

 

"Those are the roles that you fill each day. They are not 'who' you are...", he said.

"Now - write down "WHO" you are".

 

We took our pens in hand and .....

Sat in silence.

No pens were moving.

We were all stumped.

We looked around the room hoping that the answer would find us.

How do you answer that question?

 

If I couldn't state my roles - then who was I?

This question wasn't about what I did or how I spent my time -

but it was about those things that we hold so close to ourselves, deep down inside.

The things that we feel uncomfortable speaking out loud because it may be interpreted as being

egotistical or vulnerable or afraid...

The ever-thriving personal internal debate...

"like yourself just the way you are - but don't brag about it or you are conceited."

or

"don't show your fears and vulnerabilities or someone will take advantage of you".

 

So "who" am I? Who do I believe I am?

I'm still learning the answer to that question.

I may never fully know the answer because I am always growing and changing and evolving.

I hope I never stop.

 

But let me share the words of Marianne Williamson -

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

 

This quote gives me goosebumps every time I read it.

This is who we are -

it is who I am...

 

And I hope that, as I let my light shine as bright as I am able, it will "give other people permission to do the same." As I am "liberated from my own fear", I can "liberate others".

 

 

 

 

 



Possibility...

Did you hear it?
Yesterday, there was huge noise.
It sounded like a loud BAM....
At least it seemed that way to me.

It was me -
slamming the door closed on the last chapter of the previous life.

Let me explain...

Yesterday, I went to the title company and signed off on the sale of my house.
Notice, I said house - and not home.

When it became evident that my marriage was over,
one of the first things I had to do as a "grown-up" was put my home up for sale.
It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.
And it was filled with a lot of conflict -
I had wanted to move for quite a while.
I didn't like our neighborhood at all - it had changed so much since we had moved in there -
and not for the better.
But it was still our home.
I had lived there longer than any other single residence other than the house I grew up in.
I grew up in a family that "stayed put".
Having a place to call home was so important to me as a child - I wanted that for my kids.
I wanted that spot that they could come back to again and again and again and feel the comfort of home.
And if I was to move from that home,
it needed to be on my own terms.
It needed to be a well-thought out decision.

But in July, I found myself talking with a realtor to sell my home -
and it was because my world had been ripped apart.
All of a sudden I was getting ready to sell my home and it was not by my choice.
I was paying the consequence for someone else's choices.
And it made me sad.
And then it made me angry.
I moved in December,
but the house had not sold yet.
I continued to be responsible for it - at least financially.
I wasn't living in it -
but it was still there.
And I had to return to it several times over the last few months.
Which was surreal.

But enough of the past -
yesterday, the house officially because someone elses.
On Monday, I returned to it for a few miscellaneous things that still needed to be collected.
I walked through the empty rooms.
The heat has been off for a while so it was cold - really cold.
The halls echoed with the emptiness.
It was a house.
No longer a home.
And I felt a heaviness.
I drove home and cried on and off all evening.
But I awoke cleansed and ready to move on.
I signed yesterday.
I officially "closed" out the account on all of the utilities.
And then - feeling strong and empowered and somewhat lighter,
I went a step further...
I went to the DMV and changed my address and . . .
wait for it . . .
my name!

Yes! I have officially taken back my maiden name.
I am no longer Laurie Miller -

I am Laurie Linn.
FYI...The business name will be following shortly -
but here is the point...

As Laurie Miller,
I felt trapped on many occasions - hopeless.
I didn't allow myself to think about new adventures, vacations, or anything big -
I didn't even allow myself to think about things closer to home -
like trying new restaurants or going to hear live music in a local venue.
I had accepted that those things were not going to happen so I quit hoping.
Now don't get me wrong -
I was in a "good" marriage.
I wasn't abused or dispected.
But my former spouse didn't like to try new things.
Or to plan -
and definitely not to dream like I did.
And after asking and suggesting with no positive feedback, over the course of time - I stopped.

But Laurie Linn...
Well - that's a different story.

She is believing in POSSIBILITY!

 

 



DANCE

When I was five, my mom put me in the car one day and told me she had a surprise for me.

We drove for a while - really just a short distance - but to me it felt like forever.

We arrived at an old school and went inside.

I was confused and nervous.

What were we doing?

We stood in a really, really long line.

And then it happened - she signed me up for ballet lessons.

We then went and bought tights, and leotards, lots of bobby pins and the best part of all . . .

ballet slippers.

I went to dance lessons and learned to plie, and releve'.

I learned about first position and all of the other positions.

To this day - over forty years later - I tend to turn my feet out when standing.

I learned about working at the barre.

We practiced during each class to a live piano player who spent her afternoons playing classical music for us to point and kick to.

And then in the winter - the best thing of all happened -

we got dressed up in our costumes, had our hair pulled back into a tight bun, had our faces smothered in thick make-up and performed our routine on a large stage in downtown Portland.

This was the same stage that the best theatrical performances were given on, and concerts and all the best talent in our City performed on.

And I got to do my simple ballet routine on it.

The lights were so bright and hot.

The audience applauded for us.

It was magical.

And I became instantly addicted to performing.

 

I continued dancing for years to come - all the way through college.

Besides ballet -

I experimented with jazz and tap.

I played around with ball room.

If it was performed to music - I tried it.

And as I grew - I discovered my love of theatre and my favorite thing of all was to perform in musical theatre.

There, I was able to satisfy my love of acting, music and dance.

There I found my bliss.

To this day - If I hear wonderful music, it is next to impossible not to move in some way.

 

But somewhere along the way -

I stopped dancing.

I had children.

The family came first.

Money was tight.

Time was short.

Patience were stretched.

I gained a few (ok maybe more than a few) pounds.

And I stopped dancing on stage . . . in public . . .even in front of my family.

The few times I danced, I confined myself to the safety of my own home when no one was around.

 

Recently - I watched a movie on dancers.

It was a documentary about young ballet dancers who are driven, and passionate and desperate to dance every minute of their lives.

I watched as they stretched and practiced.

I watched as they extended their legs.

They made it look so easy and fluid. Yet - having been a dancer, I understood the dedication and hard work involved. The ultimate athleticism.

I found myself longing for the bloodied toes and the aching muscles. Those things were almost like "badges of honor" to us dancers.

My heart and muscles almost ached for the feel of dance while I watched the movie.

And the feeling lingered for some time afterwards.

 

We all have that thing that makes us ache inside -

maybe for you it is music, or a sport, or writing or . . . .?

It was that thing that you loved to do more than anything else when you were young.

It's that thing that makes you feel restless when you ignore it.

It calls to you. It drives you.

 

Do you answer the call?

Do you still do it?

Do you still pursue that passion on a daily basis?

Why do we let these things go as we become adults?

Somewhere along the way, we become convinced that working on those passions is a sign of immaturity.

Or worse yet - it's a sign of being selfish.

 

Really? Being true to ourself and doing that which makes us the best that we can possibly be is selfish?

As I have grown and changed, I have developed new passions - my art and writing. These

 are passions equal to performing and music and dance.

Does that make me greedy to have more than one?

And if I have such strong desires for my art and writing - am I being greedy to want to pursue the old and forgotten ones?

Does that make me selfish? Or self-absorbed?

 

I am beginning to challenge that thought in my own life now.

I am wanting to reclaim those lost passions.

I want to DANCE!

 

GRATITUDE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2ofrX7jAk&feature=share

 

Today is November 30th.

It is the last day of the month.

Many people on Facebook took the month of November and expressed one thing each day that they were grateful for.

I participated . . .some.

I was very inconsistent and probably only managed to make a "gratitude" comment about 1/2 of the days.

But that doesn't mean the thoughts were not being felt by me.

 

I saw this video today and it brought tears to my eyes.

(Of course, that happens a lot to - I am a first class boob - but regardless . . .)

 

Take the time to watch it.

Listen with your heart.

The poignancy of it speaks to the soul.

 

 

I spoke with a friend recently -

He had helped me with a task that for him was very easy.

For me - it was a struggle.

It was not that I couldn't have figured it out -

but time was tight and I had been unable to complete the task.

I said thank you. . .many times over.

He was surprised and wondered if I was sincere.

I asked what I could do for him - the answer was nothing.

Why did he want to help me?

What did he want from me?

Was this possible?

 

Have we become so jaded in our lives that when we express gratitude it is not believed?

When someone steps in to help us or gift us with time or service -

are we so jaded that we are looking to find out what they want from us?

I know that I am frequently more than willing to extend a hand of support to others and I expect nothing in return.

Why could I not believe that someone was willing to do that for me?

It made me stop and think.

 

Gratitude.

So often - we relate our gratitude to big things.

Or to big events.

And yes - it is imperative that we are grateful for the big things.

But what about the millions of little miracles that occur each and every day.

 

Yes - MIRACLES.

We are surrounded by them.

 

The simplicity of gratitude is often overlooked. . .

 

The changing of the seasons.

The feel of the rain as it falls.

The sound of my windchimes as they sing their song on the breeze.

The smell of my home.

The ability to see.

The ability to hear.

The ability to breathe.

The ability to read and learn and grow.

The ability to get up when I have fallen.

 

 

As life continues to change in my world, I want to remember to remain grateful.

I vow to notice the little things. . .

The simplicity that creates this thing called life.

I vow to remain in the moment.

I vow to reflect my gratitude to those who are in my life -

and to those that have returned to my life . . .

who have supported me;

laughed with me;

cried with me;

lifted me; held me and

loved me.

 

I will honor those things and those people that have participated in the journey that has brought me to this point.

 

And to each of you I say . . .

Thank you.

 



CHANGE

Change.

Does any word create such a wide range of emotions?

Excitement. Fear. Dread. Fear. Happiness. Fear.

Anticipation. Fear. Pressure. Fear. Joy . . .oh and don't forget FEAR!

 

Yet - how often do we avoid the change -

and often the wonderful rewards that come as a result of change?

 

Right now -

I am going through all kinds of change.

Some of it by my choice.

Some of it as a result of other's choices.

Most of it very exciting -

All of it scary.

 

But the main lesson I have learned from this is to be open to the change.

Overall - change can be very good.

 

Years ago, I remember learning that life is constantly in motion.

We are either moving forward or we are moving backwards -

we are never stagnant.

If we aren't changing and growing for the better . . .

well . . .we are going in the opposite direction.

 

And the only way I can find to make sure that I am going forward is to keep dreaming . . .

keep reaching. . .

keep changing.

 

Which, of course, then brings us back to the subject of fear.

 

Right now

my art business is going through a major change.

It will be good.

I feel confident that it will be great!

It started as a dream.

And the dream is beginning to become a reality.

But it is scary.

Because it has caused me to make some decisions to let go of things that I feel confident about.

Things that I am comfortable with.

 

But I am choosing to let go of the comfort and continue this journey forward.

 

Stay tuned - I promise to share details when I can.

But in the meantime - I will keep dreaming.

And envisioning where this journey of change will take me.



Taking Care of My Bamboo . . .

Ted Talks.

I love them.

A while ago a friend turned me on to a talk that was delivered in Portland.

It was called "Watering the Bamboo".

It's about twenty minutes

- but seriously -

take twenty minutes and watch it.

Go on - click on the link above and watch it.

Then come back and finish reading.

You will not regret it.

It will inspire you.

It will make you feel hopeful and full of purpose.

It will give you a new insight into this crazy thing called life.

 

So now . . .

about the drawing above.

This is not one of my best.

I get that.

But remember - I work an 8-5 job in an office.

I attend a lot of meetings.

I suffer from a little condition I call AADD -

Artists Attention Deficit Disorder.

I have a hard time sitting still during meetings.

I get fidgety. I get anxious. And then I miss everything that is being said.

So I doodle.

I am a bit of a joke around the office -

everyone wants to see my "meeting notes" because they are usually filled with all sorts of drawings and doodles with a few notes, words and reminders scattered about.

 

I was in a meeting the other day.

 I had just watched the Ted Talk on Watering the Bamboo the day before.

And it was still swirling around in my head.

This is the doodle that came out.

 

It was obviously still sitting in my sub-concious.

And I really spent some time thinking about my situation.

 

A few days ago, I received notice from my realtor that the deal on my house was nearing completion.

Where I thought I would be moving out of my home after the first of the year -

I discovered that it would probably be before Thanksgiving.

I hung up the phone and instead of happiness and relief I felt anger, panic and sadness.

I cried.

Where am I going to go? How am I going to move 16 years worth of stuff?

When am I going to get all of this done?

How much change can I person deal with in a short period of time?

 

But the words of the bamboo analogy came back to me.

Now - to understand what a profound effect this had on me - you will have to watch the video.

Just suffice it to say -

I was reminded, by my very wise father, of  all the things that had been taking place over the last few years leading up to these very important moments.

And it's good.

It's very very good.

And since the day that my life was thrown off kilter -

I have had some absolutely wonderful things take place.

Many that I can't even talk about here yet.

But dreams and wishes are beginning to come true.

And the thing is -

I don't think they would have happened if things had stayed the way they were.

 

So basically -

I have spent the last several years watering my bamboo.

And now - it has sprouted.

And watch out -

cause it is starting to grow!

 

Here are a few other silly office meeting doodles . . .

Nothing to do with the bamboo, but I figured I share them just the same!

A little Halloween doodle . . .

Patterns and designs doodle . . .

 

 

 



I'm JUMPING

Multi-media painting on upcycled wood with upcycled frame
 

Life.

A crazy ride.

It's been a rollercoaster in my world lately.

Moving at the speed of light.

In fact, for my birthday this year -

my kids surprised me with a trip to a local amusement park.

A good portion of the day was spent riding roller coasters.

I took on that adventure with a sense of symbolism -

life is a rollercoaster - and one hell of a lot of fun!

 

And throughout this experience, I have had the chance to jump and jump high.

 

A few things that have happened. . .

 

I signed papers for my divorce. That was strange and disconcerting.

But deep down, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Full of every range of emotion possible.

 

I was able to participate in "the" show of the year.

This was a show I have wanted to participate in for over 6 years - but I was never brave enough to jury in for it.

This year - I took the leap.

I was accepted.

I participated this weekend.

And it was a tremendous success for me.

I was surrounded by some of the most talented women artists in the region.

I was humbled to be a part.

 

I have been working on a huge PO for one of my wholesale accounts.

The biggest ever.

I was brave and went in and talked to the buyer.

We expanded my line with their stores.

I conquered my gremlin on that one and it paid off.

 

I have reconnected with old friends.

Friends I haven't spoken with in almost 30 years.

And it feels good.

I have rekindled these relationships and wondered why they were neglected for so long.

It has felt like a warm homecoming.

These are people who knew me well and understand who I am, who I was, and what makes my soul leap.

We have shared laughs, tears, and many wonderful memories.

 

I have taken mini-vacations to replinish my soul and feed my inspiration.

I have listened to new music.

Looked at amazing art.

Read uplifting books.

 

I have gone into collaboration with a new business associate.

My work can now be found as a needlepoint patterns at

Kathy's Needlework Creations.

 

I have been putting new ideas out there and experiencing the joy of

reaping the rewards.

 

Now don't get me wrong -

the last four months have been full of a lot of sadness, frustration and a little anger as well.

There has been discouragement.

There has been a constant sense of being overwhelmed.

There has been fear . . .more fear than you can possibly imagine.

But friends and family keep stepping in and lightening the burden.

They have encouraged and lifted me up.

 

But I am here to say -

I have tested the theory.

I have jumped . . .

and I think I have seen a few wings sprouting back there.

Have you tried it yet?

Go on - jump.

And jump HIGH!